Sunday, March 29, 2009;

So police life has started and im home here now on a sunday morning. Cant say that police has been anything ive expected so far. On the contrary, its been very different in many aspects and Im still getting to grips with how things work and the level of standard expected. Perhaps its the not knowing of so many things that are leading to excessive and probably unnecessary worry and stress.

Honestly, we do get numerous privileges here. Shall list them to show myself
1) Free time from 7 or 730pm
2) We get to shower after morning pt before class
3) There's gonna be class to keep the mind sharp
4) Allowed to bring unlimited food in
5) 2 to a room with no lights out time
6) Mess food is pretty good
7) We dont get herded around, instead we move around through ics - messy at the moment but should get really neat when everything is sorted out
8) Friday bookouts - how can i forget this. Usually around 6pm
9) Late sunday night book-ins - 9pm
10) Lots of admin time esp after lunch and on friday

Not-so-good Things
1) Tough regimentation - Boots must be shined and clothes iron till crisp
2) Always rushing, esp for meals - eg.5-10mins for breakfast,15-20 mins for lunch.dinner
3) PT can be intensive (not yet, but i foresee it)
4) Very few christians. I think this is probably the toughest so far. Unlike in BMT when my section had bout 5 christians where albert was so devout and you can see BS and Aaron reading their bible sometime and I still remember Tedrid bringing in his christian lyrics
5) Actually, there arent really too many tough things.

Even though sometimes it gets me down and everything, I shall cling on and claim the promise that God has given me.

9:41 AM

Sunday, March 08, 2009;

And so A level results are done and dusted. Or maybe not so dusted if i submit the appeal for GP..

So many questions, so many doubts.
Its like, God, i worked so so hard. If you asked me if there was one more thing i could have done, i would simply look you straight in the eye and shake my head. Thats the truth. There wasnt one more thing that i could have done. I did so much, started so early, never slacked big time in JC and chionged at the end. I would like to think that i was actually relatively consistent. So why God, why? Why does it seem to me at the moment that the people who go out and get piss drunk or slacked for 1 year and 9 months or those who cut at least half the classes or did less than half the tutorials given get what i did not manage to get? I cried when i saw my results. Why, im not too sure myself. Maybe its expectation. I thought with all the effort, i would be on the list with 6 distinctions. I cried cos i choked in GP. My double 99th percentiles in CT and prelims just thrown right out the window in A levels. They dont count for anything now do they? I always thought i was a good student. Dorothy was there and she mentioned something bout exams and yea. Pops mentioned the same thing more or less too. But why God? I woke up at 730am on saturday morning. Just laid in bed and stared at the ceiling for a good 20mins or so. Was it regret? No, i tried my best. I say that with confidence. It was a strange feeling knowing that i given of my best but somehow my best was not enough. There was bitterness as i thought of the other people. Anger perhaps. Injustice? I thought to myself. In my mind i just kept wondering. Why God? They say just do your best and leave the rest to God. It works out nicely in 2 circumstances. 1) You did well. = Thank you God. 2) You didn't try your best = Sigh, it was my fault, i should have tried harder. Problem is i was in neither. I struggled with my soul, struggled and thought Why God? Even as i write this on this sunday, I find myself still searching for acceptance within myself.

Pops says "dont worry, everything will be fine." I have his full support.
Charlyn says "dont worry, you did really well" and that she;s proud of me and most importantly, God has plans for me.

Surely, or for the lack of conviction at this present moment, perhaps, perhaps, God has a plan for me. I mean He definitely has cos he's mapped out everything. So at this juncture, my prayer is for an extra portion of trust. Trust that this is God's will. (I know its like DUH, if not it wouldn't happen. Then ill pray for acceptance). Trust that God has plans for me. Trust that everything happens for a reason and God knows. Trust, remember and believe that because God loves us (and Me) so much, he would only want the best for us.

So Lord, I thank you for supporting me throughout every step of my A level journey. I thank you for giving me strength the so many times i asked for it. Lord, at this point, I confess my sins of feeling angry against you. Lord, forgive me for my lack of faith in your divine plan and trying to use my own mortal, finite and human mind to map out my own destiny. Lord, forgive me for having thoughts that You wronged me for these are just childish and immature thoughts. So Lord, I pray for trust. I pray that You help me to accept my result and accept that whatever happens will happen not by chance or not because You lost control of the situation but solely and solely because it is part of your divine plan. Lord, I just want to commit my future into your hands and i pray that you bless me and annoint me with trust, patience and understanding as i seek Your will for my life. In Jesus' most precious name, Amen.

6:08 PM